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Born in Sg, survived seven years of IJ, escaped to canada for the miraculous rebirth.. likes to say she found self there, But well when can we reach self actualization? now a waterloo student. 110% horse mad, was practically born on the back of a horse ( or rather wishes she was) horses are my favourite thing.

Bituwin - template
Dementee - image

You can keep me out of your mind that's alright.

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Friday, December 18, 2009

Ok.. so i am done studying for developmental... Hope it is not too hard tmr..
Either way... I cannot wait to be done. I want to LEAVE just to get away

It was HARD semester, socially. But i think I got through and survived it. Next semester will be different and better i really hope so. THINGS BETTER get better

I realise i miss campus... walking to the library after not being on campus for a while, i missed it. DC, SLC, the streets. Just being on campus... being around ppl. It is enough. I think my social situation is looking up, they;re ok for now, goes up and down. I need to stop being so sensitive... what happened to the happy go-lucky-girl? well not so happy go-lucky lol. But i am working on that.

Wow... i recall fist moving into here... i was a totally different person. Just feels like a whole year when it was just 4 months. So much went down, i can hardly believe it. But still, new experiences.. I am grateful to be here.

Tmr at this time i will be so ready to leave... well hopefully all packed and ready!!!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Just finished my first final... I AM NOT LOOKING AT PSYCH 291

Not in the mood too

It went ok, better than i expected, maybe cos i studied so MUCH for it. Easier than the mid term.... but i don;t want to put all my eggs in one basket.

Discovered this new distraction on fb

Disclaimer- some of this is not exactly PG... explicit material ahead
Overheard at UW
oh waterloo

In DC Library:White Guy: So what did you guys do during summer camping?
Chinese Guy: We stayed at my uncles' cabin and went on a boat ride !
White Guy: You have a boat?
Chinese Guy: No, it's my uncles'.
Indian Guy: It's probably the same boat his family came here on.
10 December at 11:08 · Comment ·LikeUnlike · View feedback (38)Hide feedback (38) · Report

You make me laugh... this is waterloo written all over it

walking around campus
Guy 1 to Guy 2: Tell that person over there that i want a rim job! right now!
Guy 2: But, that's a dude...

Classic UW.... ( rim stands for Research In Motion, the makers of blackberrys... they're based in Waterloo)

in psych 101, conversation between two girls:
Girl1: if your fucking someone do you have to buy them a christmas gift? or is sex a gift?
Girl2: it depends on how good you are
Girl1: I'm getting him a gift

Not really specific to UW... but funny still

Remember that Jan post about 25 things that are true about me? Well.. somethings are not anymore..

.6. I'm sometimes surprised i'm not clinically depressed over the amount of crazy shit that has happened in my life
Truth- Ok i didn't exactly get depressed, but got really low... and more crazy shit happened.. i got close enough to it... I just got very unhappy, anxious and had to seek help

10. There were times when i was at Bronte college ( high school in Canada) that i would wake up in the middle of the night and have an overwhelming feeling of saddness and feel like i was all alone in this Canada. This has never happened at Waterloo
Truth- I did end up feeling lonely and sad here at UW, living in an apartment off campus... and it was ppl i thought i was close to... I guess i was missing something. Like i was all alone... it was really messed up, it's not even perfect, not even when i write this

11.I have never gone to a club... ever and i'm 19... that is sad
Truth- Went to too many clubs... clubbed OUT. But it is fun, i mean i like dancing, only if the music is good.

24.dont really like goin back to singapore for long periods of time, if i dont have anything to do....
Truth- Ok maybe it is cos i was partially unhappy here. but i would love to go back to sg, for ANY amount of time.

Friday, December 11, 2009
I SHOULD BE STUDYING FOR FINALS

1. Beer - Nasty,

2. Food: Microwaveable

3. Relationships- I tend to screw mine up

4. Your crush: Not many crush-worthy guys around

5. Power Rangers: Being a kid!! GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!

6. Life: Can toss anything at you

7. The President: Of which country? if you're talking abt singapore..
.
8. Yummy: HORSES

9. Cars: My only way of getting to horses.... oh and that toyota matrix in the carpark? im crushing on it

10. Movies: Distractions

11. Halloween: SLutty costumes and gay orgies as of 08/09

12. Sex: overated and everywhere

13. Religion: it's everywhere

14. Hate: is a strong word

15. Fear: Anxiety?

16. Marriage: Hopefully someday

17. Blondes: who cares

18. Slippers: SL-E-E_PERS singapore style, draw out the EEEE

t19. Shoes: boots

20. Asians: I will go with steph's view ( western concept)

t21. Past time: I should be passing time by STUDYING

22. One night stand: Ah.. stephanie has ruined it for me

23. My cell phone: HANDPHONE - Im sorry i just had to say it, " my hand-sorry cell number is...
24. Smoke: I don't

25. Fantasy: Sexual, sorry Im studying Sexuality!!

26. College: NO PARENTS + Indpedence+ shitty apartment+ exams+ fucked up relationships

27. High school life: errr i only did one year of high school.... grade 12.... in a private boarding school with internationals and looking back at it... i think it rocked

28. Pajamas: BANANAS IN PAJAMAS ARE COMING DOWN THE STAIRS

29. Stars: I don't really star gaze

30. Center: " sen-er" in that accent... no it should be CENTRE CENTRE british english people british english!!!

31. Alcohol: gag me

32. The word love: Not enough of it in this world

t33. Friends: i need them

34. Money: I need this too

35. Heartache: pain and suffering

36. Time: go faster and slow at the same time, just dont' stop, oh and if you could at times go backwards

37. Divorce: too much of it in the west

38. Dogs: KEEGIE baby

39. Undies: colourfu and pretty

40. Parents: I miss them, like i never used to before

41. Babies: DEV PSYCH oh gawd, object permanance gaaaaahhhh

42. Ex: asshole

43. Song: chasing pirates... norah jones

44. Color: again the U

45. Weddings: I want to have one... and i used to serve at them

46. Pizza: congealed cheese... can be nasty

47. Hangout: My room /library/ slc = so sad

Rest: wish i could

49. Goal: enough of this goal-setting business

50. Life : Living it

Thursday, December 10, 2009
End of Term Report

10 freaking days to go!!!!!!!!!
CANNOT WAIT

To get out of this little hell hole... This little apartment... the things i have to say about it...
A learning experience lets just say. My mental health has not been so challanged, almost as bad as the ex ( ok as bad) This time with no horses to make it all better/ worth it

Oh wait! Checkist!
I wrote these things back in July... Lets see now
1. Do better in classes Umm... we;ll wait and shall we? ( crosses fingers fervently and hopes and prays for the best)
2. Take up riding lessons Nada as of yet... Im still pinning for it
3. Volunteer As as an RA? HELL YEAH
4. Make more friends Yes! but grew apart froma few
5. Take DRIVING LESSONS Again no
6. Take up a salsa/ tango class YEs, if one or two lessons count

But i need not worry, only half the year is gone. I still have another half... and the summer, which i am wondering is still a good idea... but will probably just go forward with it. I have the SJU rez contract already. MOVE OUT OF THIS SHITTY FLAT

And come fall '10 I don't think i will living with the same people again. I need to step out. Even if it means being alone... well um i guess i am already kinda a little/ slightly like that.

I remember earlier i thought that being in Nova scotia would prepare me for this... Prepare me? living like this made carol look like the a quiet old mare!! Ok maybe not that extreme but... I guess she IS the boss so... In Nova scotia the horses made everything better... here I felt so alone, and for the first time for a fleeting few moments i considered packing it all in and giving up my overseas adventure. Seriously... i felt that low. I moved apart from people, and i dont know why. But now im jus seriously too tired to care anymore. I cried so much, felt so alone... I had to go for counselling, it got that bad. Not that everything is perfect now... im still working on it... things are still raw (kind of) but semester is ending and i am glad for it. So much drama and shit happened...
I think i missed having a close friend to chat to... i got lonely. i got blamed for stuff i never did... its hard living in such close quarters with ppl... im telling you, it is the apartment... Im still trying to find that close friend to talk to. But in the mean time, i think i am going to be ok ( for now)
But I JUST WANT TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THIS PLACE

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Ok this is gonna be short.

I have to work on my stupid psych 291 assignment ( shoot me now) Blasted courses....

Anyway, I have learnt and realised things about myself this term. Reading through all of them, I have realised that living apartment-style with friends is not really for me after all. I mean, you don't know unless you try.... but I really feel like i cannot do it. yeah it has it's perks, but hey i can live without them.

I enjoy living in a bigger community of people. not in a tiny apartment where i piss people off everytime i walk around it, until i don't really like coming out of my room as i am afraid of annoying someone. Gawd... why is it so hard? I dont know. For personal reasons I feel i just cant live in an apartment, i need the bigger sense of belonging. To be around a lot of people,just being around a large group of people. I need that. I like my friends, but I think wha tis best for me is not this. I pray they would understand that.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009
What happened to me this Term

I guess i need to be told I am a good person.
It is just, I am fed up with the looks, the way I am treated. Not by everyone, just by certain people and I am bloody sick of it all. I am really being pushed to the edge with this.

There is so much I can take from people, and no i don't know what to my strength. I used to be strong, but it got so eroded away by I dont know what!! I ended up feeling trapped, like I can't even wake up from this terrifying nightmare, andd it keeps going on. I can;t break away from this lease until end of winter next yr... WHY THE HELL DID I NOT JUST MOVE OUT NOW???? Oh i know.. cos i thought it would be too much of a hassle to move... which is true.

But really... my sanity? I AM A NICE PERSON. I am not a mean bitch, i make mistakes but i try, really hard to be nice. Yeah, i say the wrong thing something, i get those foot-in-mouth moments when i say this i should not, but i would NEVER EVER intentionally hurt anyone. I have tried explaining that over to people but they just don't listen and i don't know why.

I don't know why i am getting the looks, the attitude, i don't know. All i know is that, i thought things were going well, FINE in fact maybe things were returning to normal. BUT NO MAYBE NOT. I dont know why... is it me? I don't know.

HAve people been making me feel horrible? Yes, i have let people bring me down, people have made me feel like shit, where did my strength go? Oh i know! it is cos I thought these people cared about me! i let my guard down and felt i was being accepted and liked by people, for being who i am. I am not 100% perfect, i can;t always be the best BUT I DO TRY. You know what? if my best doesn't work for you, then too bad!!! Cos i busted my fucking ass this term, OK? socially I TRIED!! Ok! i really really tried!! You talked to me, i listened and i did I really put in the effort and i tried. I am not a bad person, I will not let them make me feel like i am one.

This is like IJ Again, people making me feel like shit, i don;t know why or how. I just know that I have to be stronger, I have overcome this... TWO MORE WEEKS TWO MORE WEEKS.

I have always felt it was MY FAULT for everything. Like everything i did was my fault, like it was MY WRONG for everything. LIKE I CANNOT DO ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so damn tired of it, I tried so hard this term, if my best doesn't work for you, i don;t know what will. Cos i have done my utmost best. If i can't live with you guys, then i don't know who can! try getting someone really perfect to do it.. cos i cannot.

I am tired of the way i am being treated, i don't want to raise it and cause shit again. Cos i don't want to have to go up and ask why the other person is feeling that way and "let's talk" cos we have done that before, and i have TRIED. I am not the one in the wrong.

Monday, November 23, 2009

At least the horrible feeling at the pit of stomach is gone. I had it for a while, i was filled with a sense of dread, unhappiness, social anxiety? could i say that? Anxiety with the ppl i live with? well at least it is more or less gone now.
Things were bad... this term was up and down sometimes good sometimes nicht sehr gut. But... I have learnt, if anything my faith in God got stronger, i actually enjoy going to church now. I have more conviction and hope and hope in him now. I know i can depend on him when i am down.

I have relied on him, i prayed so hard to him, i faced huge mountains this term and felt rock bottom. But i have and can resurface. I know i will always face the challanges. But what doesn;t kill you makes you a stronger person ( although you sometimes feel like dying)

On a more cheery note...
Went to a horse show this weekend. Waterloo hosted the OUEA show. Got up at 5 am, there was no water due to a burst pipe from across the road. Walked to school and got a ride at 6am with sydney who was really nice. ( probably cos she missed the club i think) But yes, doing that on 5 hrs of sleep ( went out clubbing at a club with really bad music) It was honestly SOOOO TIRRING, but hung out considerably with kari. The day went by pretty slowly, felt we had been there for hours when it was only 9am! Well you spend most of the time walking horses around, getting the riders on etc. But it was fun, fun but VERY tirring.

I mean the horse show world can be a snobby world, all mostly girls and rich and white. Ok, maybe not ALL rich but 99% white. I've been around horse shows so much it's just all noise and familiarity. Familiairity if anything... made it comfortable, honestly with the amount of time ive been around horses over the years... even though now i don't get that weekly dose of it, it is SOO second nature to me now. It is like breathing!!

I love horses and i miss them..

Wish i had a car and could drive up to go riding. Even if it is just lessons. DEAR GOD I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO THAT
that is a bit sad LOL